College. Mother Earth News. Words.

Today I helped Madeline register for college classes starting this fall.  It was a pretty simple and straightforward process.  A strong proficiency for independent learning is one of the benefits of homeschooling so I believe she'll have little trouble acclimating to this new education experience.  It would make Bill swell with pride knowing that his daughter will soon be attending college. Helping Madeline, as well as our other kids, find their paths, their vocations, their passion, is my most important job.  It's daunting, really, this immense responsibility.

I had the opportunity to spend a few hours at the "Mother Earth News Fair" in Albany this weekend.  So many inspiring ideas and products!  Though most things were seriously out of my price range.  It seemed funny to me that this modern push for self-sufficiency comes with such a high price tag.  How is that encouraging self-reliance?!    The highlight of my time at the fair was meeting Taryn and her family from the blog, "Wooly Moss Roots", as well as Amanda Soule, the author of the blog, "Soulemama". How fun to speak, face to face, with these lovely women after visiting their blogs for so many years.  Definitely the highlight.

So I've encountered a new domain in this new life of mine.  And I think I should preface these words with an explanation.  These words are not meant to illicit sympathy or pity from anyone.  I am not asking for renewed involvement or forced interest.  I'm simply sharing the feelings and experiences I come upon while traveling this path.  This is my journey and these are my musings.  So to quote a friend, "Take all I say with a grain of salt."  (Yeah,  I told you you'd never live those words down, my friend.)

In the past several weeks, it seems like the world around me has begun to move away from the original shock and sadness that was felt after Bill's death.  The phone calls have diminished.  The letters and cards have stopped arriving in the mailbox. (The exception being my dear friends from afar who encourage me regularly--usually when I'm at my lowest.  How do y'all know?!)  Help is no longer offered as readily.  I'm not complaining.  Quite the contrary, as I value the quietness and solitude that whispers to me from the margins.  It's just fascinating to me that there seems to be an unspoken time frame for this grieving.  It's not such a harsh and jarring transition.  It's much more subtle.  And I do realize that there is no malicious intent in any of it.  Life just moves on.  And I'm genuinely glad that others can move forward.  It can be exhausting trying to assure people that everything is "okay."

But I'm not ready.

I still feel the shock and the intense sadness.  If anything, those feelings have only gotten stronger with time as I begin to realize the depth of our loss.  The realness starts to sink in, plunging so deep into my soul that it's hard to understand where, or if, it can possibly end.  My world, our world, will not ever be the same.  Not ever.

I believe that this path will force more changes upon us yet.  New people will travel along with us and others will choose to turn off and go in a different direction.  But I don't have that choice.  I must continue on this path.  It is my reality.  I don't get to turn around and retrace my steps or venture to the north or south. east or west.  Nope.  I just have to keep plodding along, praying that there are no villainous predators lurking in the shadows ahead, ready to mock us or hurt us.  That, instead, there is the occasional kind soul who offers us a piece of chocolate or a drink of water.  One who speaks words of encouragement that originate from a place of genuine love rather than originating from their own selfish intentions.

So for me (or us), life does not just go on.  Where I have been before, I may no longer be welcome.  Where I never thought I'd be, I may, indeed, now reside there.

Again, these are my words and my feelings shared for no other reason than to help make sense of this life I'm living.  If you disagree with my words or dislike how it makes you feel, then don't visit here anymore.  But, I must tell you there will be an upcoming post about using chalk paint.  It won't be a downer.  On the contrary.  That chalk paint is awesome stuff.