As I sit at the table in the familiar kitchen of the house where my (large) extended family has spent the past many Thanksgiving holidays celebrating together, I am struck by how the familiar can exist in the same space as the new. How the same old jokes and stories can coincide with the obvious hole that now is such a prominent feature in my life. It's odd really.
Within any family, there are always additions and losses to factor into each passing year. That's part of life. I know that.
I just don't necessary like it.
To be honest, completely honest, I don't feel like celebrating or being thankful this year, even though I do know that I have plenty to be thankful for. Maybe it will just be one year that I feel like this, maybe it will be a few years. I don't have the answer. But I do know that no amount of playing with words to create a nicer sounding response or pretending that I'm full of strength and hope or even verbiage that creates the illusion of joy is going to be the answer. I respect the characteristics of honesty and transparency way too much to do otherwise.
So here, in this space, you will only read words of reality.
So, what the heck am I thankful for this year?
Well, obviously I am most thankful for the years I did have with Bill. I loved, most of all, creating our family and our world together. I am thankful for all of those experiences and memories.
I am grateful for my family. The understanding, the guidance and help, and the acceptance of us has been the hidden blessing of the past year. There are no words to express my gratitude. Each one, in their own way, has tried to help me carry this load. Each one has done so quietly and without need of recognition.
I am thankful for the strangers who have become my friends. People who have graciously and repeatedly shown my family what love is. With words, deeds, or sometimes even financially--these people are amazing. Bill would be so impressed and proud to call you his friends too.
Who else? Well, certainly my Baker City sisters. If I ever were to relocate, I think it would be to Baker. These ladies have generously adopted my family as one of their own and blessed us with a monthly gift of encouragement. Amazing I tell you. Just amazing.
I am thankful for our community. Seriously, never let anyone speak poorly of the Canyon area. Time and again my family has been shown incredible kindness by members of this community. Churches, youth sports organizations, school district employees, local business owners, even people I don't even know have all renewed my faith that people are inherently good.
I am thankful for my friends. Some are old and some are new. And it doesn't matter which one is which anymore. There are friends who stayed with me in the hospital and friends who didn't leave my side for months afterwards. Friends who shared tea and wine with me and friends who just listened. Friends who walked with me (quite literally) and friends who helped me fix things that were broken. There were friends who helped with my kids and those who made me laugh. There were definitely friends who ignored my bouts of insanity and encouraged me to just focus on the next thing. I have friends who have allowed me to be forgetful and who have not been offended by my behavior. Friends have shown me forgiveness and understanding time and again.
To me, the definition of a friend is simply a person who is willing to come alongside of you and help to shoulder your burdens. It is someone who does not require perfection and is willing to overlook your shortcomings. It is someone who can, at least temporarily, put another person's needs above their own.
The past year I have lived in my worst nightmare. There is no denying that. But through the grief and adversity and fear I have learned exactly what is most paramount in life. It's not stuff or money. It's not cars and houses and fancy clothes. It's people. And the relationships that we create and grow with those people.
For that lesson, I am thankful.
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