Beige.

That's how I feel.  Just beige.

I've had a few people ask why I haven't been writing as of late.  The answer is easy:  I'm a downer.  Even I grow weary of my downerness (pretty sure I just made that word up).

But I just can't shake that feeling.

I guess I'm pretty lonely too.  Even when I stand amongst a crowd of people, I still feel isolated and alone.  Quite honestly, I hardly feel like leaving the house anymore because of it.  At home there is no one to cluck their tongue at me in disdain or pity.

Am I depressed?  Probably.  But don't you think I deserve that excuse for at least a while?  I think so.

I worry that I'm too short-tempered and impatient for my kids.  That I let them watch too much television and spend too much time on the computer.  I know they've had way too much soda lately and not enough vegetables.  Bad attitudes, disobedience, and disrespect seem to be too commonplace in my home now.

But I have no answers to improve the situation.  I'm too tired to make anymore decisions by myself.

By myself.  When I wake up in the middle of the night and can't stop the memories from "that" weekend in January, there is no one to talk with me about it.  No one who understands.  There is no one to tell me what to do with naughty boys and broken cars and full septic tanks.

Maybe beige is the color of loneliness.  With nary a sparkle to be found.

A Good Day and a Bad Day All Wrapped Up Into One Day.

How's that for a title?!

Today is my birthday.  My 44th birthday to be exact.  I am not one of those women who won't admit their true age.  On the contrary, I'm quite proud to admit how many times I've circled the sun.  With each orbit I like to think that I've learned some new lessons about life and that I've also contributed something back to the world.

If you ask me, this year's lessons have pretty much sucked.

Actually that's not true.  Even though I've had my heart broken in the worst possible way this year, I have also experienced the beauty of love and understanding and empathy.  Often from the most unlikely sources too!  I feel like I have had to reconsider my previous definitions of life, family, friends, love, stability, courage, fear, and peace.  Slowly I am realizing these new truths and reorganizing their places in my life.  Some I can embrace with hope and some I slowly wrap in memories and reluctantly shut away.  Maybe not forever.  But I can't see far enough to know.

Enough of that kind of thinking for tonight.

The little kids and I participated in a local fun run/walk this morning.  It was really a fitting way to start the day as well as the new year of my life.  Lovely weather, fresh air, and good company makes me happy.  I had the opportunity to spend the afternoon with some dear girlfriends exploring a few area antique shops, laughing, and talking.  Coffee, thrifting, antiques, and wonderful friends also make me happy.   I ended the day with a tiny celebration at home, surrounded by my favorite people.  Pizza, cake, scotch, and family makes me happier still.

So you see, it really was a good day and a bad day all wrapped up into one day.  New and old.  Happy and sad.  Different and the same.  Topsy turvy.  Full and empty.  That is my life now.  Painful but familiar.

Bill liked to make big plans for my birthday but they seldom worked out exactly how he imagined. Isn't that the way life goes?   He would end up disappointed and frustrated at his imperfect attempt to make my day special.  He would apologize and run to the store to buy me a Skor bar to make up for the disasters of the day.  (And there were always disasters on my birthday.  Ask me about the time he made me drive to this obscure town in North Carolina to pick up a part and Jack threw up in the car and there was no place to eat lunch except Denny's and we were gone until 9:00 at night.  That was a birthday I will never forget!) I would laugh at him and eat the chocolate and be so grateful for the simplicity of our life.  I never really wanted anything for my birthday except to spend the day together.