Morning Run.

A little pictogram of my attempt at shaking this funk with a morning run.  5 miles later and I think I won't scratch my own eyes out.  Successful?  Maybe.....

 Burbank Creek.

Loud today.

 This is the rock where I stop to pee.  Hello, but birthing four babies makes me have to pee when I run.  Duh.

 Foggy woods.

 Hill from Hell.  This thing goes on for a mile.  It's great coming down but hell going up.

 Coming up the hill and the sun starts peeking through.

 Almost home and there is sun!

 I felt that this photograph was a perfect depiction of my life in its current state.  Irony?  Perhaps.

The end.  Home.

There Are Days.

And this is has been one of those days.

I don't know what sets them in motion.  There probably isn't even a "Thing" that is the catalyst for these days.  All I know is they are claustrophobic.  And drowning.  And stifling.  All at the same time.

I look around and cannot figure out how to do the next thing.  There are all these people who need me to be there for them and I just don't want to.  How bad is that?!  I'm a Mom and I don't want to feed my children?  I want to block out the typical children noises that they bring into my house and sit in quiet instead.  I don't want to be present.  What I need is a break from the monotony that is my world.  How did I find joy and contentment in this same monotony that was before?

It's all so confusing.

I forget.  I cannot focus.  There is no joy.  No peace.

Just me.  Alone.  With a whole lot of responsibilities and decisions to make and no one to help me.

It's Christmas and there is no one to go shopping with me, so I just don't do it.  There is no one to tell me that my fudge is delicious, so I don't cook.  There is no one to tell me that my decorations look nice, so I don't decorate.  There is no one to snuggle in bed with and look at the lights on the Christmas tree, so I just unplug them.  No one.  No one.

That must be my motto for the coming new year.

Fear vs. Worry.

This past year has not been a very good year.  Definitely NOT ranking in the top ten best years of my life.

Let's be honesty here, shall we?  This year has been hell.  Smoking, burning, painful, stifling hell.  No way around it.

I have lived out my worst fear.  The sudden unexpectedness of Bill's death was the truest manifestation of the greatest fear in my life.  Far greater than the fear of my own death or even the death of one of our kids.  

My worst fear.  So now, I ask you, what else is there to fear?

Nothing.  Absolutely nothing.

There is nothing in this life that I fear anymore.  Now don't go mistaking my lack of fear for lack of worry.  I'll talk about that in a minute because I have plenty of worries.  But there is no fear.

I don't fear any one's opinion of me.  I don't fear failure or imperfection.  I don't fear looking foolish or being judged or rejected.  I am not afraid to live in the moment.  I am not afraid to be different.  I certainly am not afraid to express myself.

Life is way too short (trust me on this one) to live in fear.   How often do we let an opportunity go right on by us simply because we are too paralyzed by fear to grasp the chance to truly live?

Real quick, though, I want to explain that I still worry.  Heck, I worry about everything!  Like, how am I going to raise these kids by myself?  What's going to happen if I get sick?  What happens when the money runs out?  Do I have employable skills so I can work?  What if my car breaks down? What if I turn into a crazy-haired old lady who tromps around in her pajamas and muck boots whilst a herd of cats follows on my heels?  (Shhhh.  That one might already be kind of true and it sounds an awful lot like Eileen Dozler!  Good grief, I am Eileen!) So you see, I worry about lots of things, but I'm not frightened by those worries.  Inconvenienced is more like it.  Frustrated maybe.  Annoyed even.  But not fearful.

What does living without fear look life then?  Well I suppose it looks different for every person.  For me, there are many examples that I can come up with:  I will not hide my feelings and I will not apologize for honesty.  I will tell people that they are important to me and that I care about them.  I will not put off having friends over.  I will eat the peppermint Blizzards for dinner (or breakfast--who am I kidding).  I will learn to hunt and fly fish.  I will remove the hook from a fish's mouth and bait that damn hook by myself.  I will take a ride in the mountains and not be afraid of falling off the road. I will not be too busy to have fun.  I will not martyr myself for any one's benefit.  I will float the river with the kids next summer.  I will not hide.  I will look forward and not shield my eyes from the reality that presents itself.  

Even when I cannot see clearly.