6 Months.

It's been six months today since I saw you.  Since I talked to you, actually.  That's half a year.  It seems like forever but at the same time it seems like you were just here.  Your presence is sort of like that sparkly trail that follows behind a shooting star or the glittery bits that fall after the fireworks fade away.  It's still there but slowly getting dimmer.  But you're still bright and shiny and living in my heart.

Hey, we got your other cow.  The herd you always wanted:  one bull and two cows.  There should be some babies on the way beginning in the fall.  You would have loved those babies.  Jon is just like you and is already talking about baby cows and 4-H.  First thing he did is head down to the field with a bowl of grain in order to get familiar with Beatrice (that's her name but we think we'll call her Beezus.) and spoil her.  Sissy still plays that game you taught her where she lets you grab her horns and shake her head around.  Bud moos at me whenever I'm outside--he's like a big dog.  You would hardly recognize Jon.  His legs have grown about 6 inches and he's getting so big.  He still wears those gloves and the wrist bands, but he's always been a little peculiar, hasn't he?  He looks like you more and more all the time.  I see you in his smile and in his eyes.

You'd be proud of how hard Jack has worked to keep things looking nice around here.  He's already put up all our wood for the winter.  He used his 3-wheeler and that little trailer to do it all--it took about 20 loads!  The pump broke again so I had to get it rebuilt but Jack was able to install it with no trouble.  He also installed a new fence energizer and adjusted all the gates.  I'm so glad you taught him those things.  He reminded me the other day that the roof needed to be de-mossed so we'll be adding that chore to the list.  That list just never ends, does it?  Jack's laugh is your laugh.  I hear it and it is you.

Madeline registered for school in the fall.  She's been working on a schedule for the past several days.  How can we have a child who will be in college?  Weren't you and I just hanging out at Rio's and playing video poker just yesterday?  Geez.  Her trip is coming up quickly, in just about a month.  I remember when you took that same trip.  It seemed like you were gone forever, even though it was only 3 weeks.  I better understand "forever" now.  Don't you think your Grandma would be happy to know that Madeline is going on that same trip?  She's a good kid, Bill.  She has your temperament and ease.

Sarah has two new loose teeth.  I wish you were here to pull them.  You know how much I hate those loose teeth.  She's growing so tall and she's so sassy.  Just a wild, passionate, eclectic kid.  Exasperating, sure, but so fun.  She talks about you every night and reminds me that you love me.  Still.

Vance and Laurie came for a visit.  It made me miss Virginia so much.  Can you believe I said that?  We made it a home, didn't we?  Even when it was hard we worked together and made a home for our family.  That's why I love Virginia.  Anyway, we just spent time visiting and took a little trip to Crater Lake.  You should have seen me driving the road up to the Lodge. It was my version of hell:  water on one side, cliff on the other side, winding road, high elevation.  I thought I was going to die.  Even Vance said he was a little scared.  I did it though.  I'll admit to you that I had a nice, strong glass of scotch once I parked the car and got settled.  We talked about you a lot.  They miss you too.

We spent a day at the beach with Gilly and Erica.  The weather was perfect and we just sat and ate chips and chocolate and visited.  We talked about you. The kids played together for hours.  You would have loved it.

I got a job.  I know how you felt about that but it's what I need to do.  I'll take the little kids with me at some point so that makes it better.  You weren't supposed to leave me and make me figure this stuff out by myself.

I helped Matt and Brandi paint their house this weekend.  It's Dolby's old farmhouse.  Seeing the transformation from old and shabby to clean and new makes me remember working together so hard to fix up this old house.  Gosh we worked hard.  You loved this house so much.  You loved the history and the character.  You loved the memories.  You loved the potential that existed in the future here.  Anyway, it was bittersweet to paint there.  Happy for the promise of someone else's future but so sad for ours. Plus, you know how much I love to fix up a house that doesn't belong to me!  I can go home and leave it behind when it's not mine.

It's been 6 months.  You really weren't supposed to leave me.  I need help raising these kids and working on the house and knowing when to put tires on the car.  I need help knowing if Jack is being safe with his new saw bar and if Jon knows gun safety.  Who will teach Jon how to hunt?  Madeline needs help choosing classes and Sarah needs her teeth pulled out.  What will happen if I get sick?  You're not here to take care of me.  How will I get up on the roof--I'm scared of heights.  I need you to listen to my ideas and tell me that I'm not crazy.  I need you to decipher political stuff for me and explain the parts I don't understand.  I need you to be snoring in bed next to me.

Six months seems like forever.  But I know that forever is still a long way off.