Maybe I should begin this post with a disclaimer. This disclaimer explains that I am not suggesting women who work outside the home are making a poor choice. No more than I'm suggesting that women who chose not to have children are inferior to those who do. I'm not judging anyone. I'm just sharing my situation and why it's difficult for me. Seriously. No judgement here.
So. I had to get a job. Let's not talk about it though because I'm not happy about it. I'm grateful for the opportunity but I'm not happy. Bill never wanted me to go to work. Hell, if we're being honest here I never wanted to go to work either. I took my work at home seriously and did a kick-ass job taking care of Bill, the kids, the house, the yard, volunteering where I was needed in the community, helping at church, etc. It wasn't like I laid around watching TV and eating cupcakes all day. But when a person finds herself in a situation like mine--no income, no property, a passel of kids to feed and clothe, a future to consider--changes must be made and personal dreams must be put aside. So I got a job.
Today, while at this job, there was a small catastrophe at home. I had left the kids sleeping (Madeline was at work) because they have had a busy few weeks and I felt they needed some time to lay low and just chill out. So as my darlings were blissfully slumbering in their cozy beds, a well-meaning person came to my door to inform me about the minor emergency and was greeted by little Sarah. This person asked to talk to me and Sarah says, "My Mama is at work. I'm just by myself." Nice. Neither Jack nor Jon got out of bed to investigate this stranger who was standing at the back door. But you'll be happy to know that Sarah did invite said stranger into the house. Such excellent manners. For the record, my child was NOT at home by herself--her older brothers were in the next room, ignorantly choosing to stay in bed instead of taking care of the business at hand. I am not a neglectful mother. Really I'm not.
This is hard for me. This is so incredibly foreign to me. I am trying to honor Bill's wishes for our family. I know what he wanted for us and how he wanted us to live. I know his values and priorities. I'm not sure I'm getting it right. I'm also not sure that I have any other choice.
Think about this: If you've always worked full time, imagine suddenly having to stay at home full time. If you've always had plentiful resources, imagine finding yourself with not enough money to buy food for the day. If you lived in a 3000 square foot house imagine being forced to move into a 300 square foot apartment. If you lived in Hawaii and then had to move to Iceland. If you had no children and then gave birth to or adopted five of them. If you led an active life and then suffered an injury that left you confined to a wheelchair. Yes, yes, I know none of these are life and death situations, in fact, I believe we refer to such problems as "first world problems". But either way it cannot diminish the shock and pain that accompanies sudden, unexpected change.
I've had enough of this change crap. No more.
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