The Longest.

After today, this will be the longest I have gone without seeing Bill in 28 years.  Until this point in my life, I've only gone 3 weeks without seeing him (he was in England once and the kids and I were visiting Oregon without him several years ago).  I've already surpassed the longest I've gone without talking to him.  So at least there's one hurdle I've managed to clear.

My entire self just sort of aches.  And the depth of loneliness I seem to feel is suffocating.  Not exactly sadness, more like emptiness and cold.  When Bill died, it felt like any bits of youth or silliness or carefree behavior I had in me died too.  I suddenly feel old--too old.  Too responsible.  Too serious.  Too dull.  Too tired.  Too numb.  Too alone.

Today I remembered a time when I was 18 and Bill was 16 that we drove to Newport and rented a little crabbing boat. (I know I was 18 because you had to be 18 to rent the boat.  18?!  Seriously, that is a scary thought to me now.)   It was $33 for 3 rings, 3 bags of bait, and 3 hours of rental in the bay.  We cooked and cleaned those crab and brought them home to our parent's houses to share.  I also thought of a time in the fall of 1990 where we drove up above Idanha to fish. It was a week night.  I remember stopping at the Circle K in Mill City to buy a magazine so I would have something to read.  The vine maple leaves were already changing so it must have been late October.  Bill bought me a Skor bar at the Idanha Market on our way home.