The Worst Part of the Day.

The part of the day that I am most fearful of is morning.  That early moment, when the sun is just starting to light the sky, when I turn over in bed and gradually become aware of waking up.  And then it hits me.  Again.

Here's what I wrote this morning:  The first few minutes when I wake up are like hell.  I slowly become aware that my life is still as empty as it was yesterday.  My heart hurts when I remember that there is nothing to look forward to.  No one to share the day with.  No hope at all it seems.  But I will myself to get up anyway and the feeling goes away behind my other thoughts.  But it's always there.  Keeping its place in my mind.  Reminding me of its original place by making my heart hurt at random times.

I suppose time will wear away some of the sharp edges of emotion.  I'm sure I will find things to look forward to.  And I'm pretty sure I will find hope again because I think that people are instinctively optimistic.

Until then, I have to take my own advice and just trust the process.  Repeated a hundred times a day.

First Game. Or So It Begins. Again.

We are a baseball family.

The sound of metal cleats on concrete.  The sunflower seeds that I will now find EVERYWHERE.  The endless loads of laundry (thank God there are no white pants!).  A beautiful curve ball that completely baffles the batter.  Left-handed hitters that pull the ball.  A perfectly executed double play.  Packing my trunk with the baseball bag and the baseball blanket again.

Oh, how I love this time of year.

Or at least I used to?  I think I still do.

Today marks the first baseball game of our season.  As happy as I am for the distraction this provides me and the joy that watching the games brings me, I am also reminded, once again, of what is missing.  Do you suppose I'll ever watch a baseball game without thinking that Bill should be there too?  I can't answer that.

Baseball has always been "our" thing.  It was never just something that belonged solely to me, like say, knitting.  No, baseball belonged to us.  Bill played, I watched.  The boys played, Bill coached, and I still watched.  Sometimes Bill watched but mostly he coached.  He loved the game.  I think he loved the game more than anything else in the world.  More than hunting and fishing even.  He saw things and  understood things about baseball that I never did.  It was like he saw the game in another dimension, one that I couldn't see.  I loved listening to him talk about it with the few people who he felt respected the game enough to deserve the conversation (and I think y'all know who you are!).

Risking sounding like a fool, I believe there is magic in baseball.

So today I will pack up my trunk with my trusty blanket that has seen years and years of baseball at hundreds of different parks on both coasts.  I will pack my special bag with fresh snacks, sunscreen, bug spray, and the other necessities I have found to be essential to my bleacher riding time.  There will be a new, mindless knitting project that will see me through the new season.  And I will find my seat, a little to the left of home plate, and I will take it all in.  Always aware, though, that my favorite player/coach/spectator won't be there to share that other dimension with me.

Reinvention. Or Figuring Some Sh*t Out.

Well.  This has been an interesting winter.  And now it's almost spring but in my heart it still feels like the coldest of winter months.

Let's not get caught up in the actual details of my life, ok?  Suffice it to say that in the past few months I have had the opportunity to learn a few things about myself, my values and priorities, as well as my strengths and weaknesses.  It has been a mix of both overwhelming and enlightening.  Blissfully happy and nearly debilitating sadness.  Interestingly though, there has been no anger in this process.  Weird, huh?

What have I learned you ask?

So I don't know if you're familiar with the characteristics of the zodiac signs and the people born under them.  And quite honestly, I think most of that stuff is just a bunch of garbage.  But after studying, amongst other things, the process of bio dynamic gardening, Waldorf education, and Rudolf Steiner's theory of anthropsophy, I do believe there must be some connection between how the lunar cycles and other unseen forces of nature affect our lives.  Now settle down, I'm not going to read your cards or tell you your horoscope.  I just think that there is always a connection between people and nature.  Always.  And where we are born in the year can certainly play a part in our personalities.  Notice I said just a part.  I also believe that our genetic makeup and our environment obviously play a part in our personalities as well.  A little wacky?  Yes, I agree.  But just a little too intriguing to ignore completely.  So let's move on.

My birthday is October 3rd, making me a Libra.  Lucky me, as Libra is considered the most desired sign to be born under.   When I started reading a little about Libra traits, I was shocked at how many are spot on.  Ask anyone who knows me--I personify this sign!  Libras are ruled by emotions and are extremely sensitive.  They tend to over think everything.  They are very perceptive and have incredible intuition, often perceiving things in others than no one else can see.  They believe in justice.  Libras are indecisive and artistic.  They are often eccentric or bordering on peculiar.  They are passionate and have the kindest spirit of all the signs.  They can be gullible and aim to please others.  Libras make the greatest friends because they will always put others before themselves.  We Libras love children and children always love us.  They live according to their own rules and are outspoken. Libras also have the biggest hearts and will love too hard.

Did you read that last part?  Now that's where I get into trouble.

I am finding that I  (incorrectly) assume that everyone else feels the same intensity of emotions as I do.  That was okay when Bill was still here because he was able to diffuse some of my emotions but it's a naive way to live by myself and I'm finding that my overly sensitive nature does not handle this reality very well.   I care for people too much. You see, nothing in the world makes me feel more content than making someone else feel special and cared for.   But when you pair naivety with putting other's needs above your own, it is a recipe for emotional disaster.  My sensitive, fragile heart can attest to this.

It's a quandary for me though.  Can you ever turn off your true character?

Nah, I just don't think so.  I'm fairly certain that anyone who has known me for any length of time can attest to the fact that I've always been this way.  I've always been passionate for what is fair, always been artistic, always wanted to take care of people. Always worried too much and over thought stuff.  And I obviously like kids pretty well because I had a passel of them.  I try to see both sides of an issue before I make a judgment.  I get outspoken and volatile, but only when I've let too much slide by me. This is all me at my most basic level.

So here's the thing:  just because I'm sharing that I see how some of my personality traits can and have been a hindrance to my emotional health, I'm also wanting to share that it won't make me change who I am.  I'm not bitter (at least not too bitter!) or broken by any of my experiences.  I'm just taking a while to let my fractured heart process all of the events from my past.  Only then it will be the right moment to move along my life's path to the next opportunity.  

To love without hesitation or reservation has brought some really amazing people into my life.  So see, it isn't always a bad thing to be such a hopeless romantic who just throws her heart around with such little regard to the outcome.  I can always be trusted to do what is honest and fair so that makes me a great friend to have on your side.  I'm loyal to a fault.  I'm always up for an opportunity to entertain or have a good time (sometimes too much of a good time--shhhhh).  All of these traits have, at some point, brought good things into my life.  I do not regret being real.

Nope.  I'm not going to change.  I'd rather be hurt by this unfair world than be false to my self.  But I might be in the market for a new handler.  THAT I could use.

Sleep(less) Poems.