Today was Jon's 11th birthday. He was born on February 20th, 2004, in Silverton, Oregon, at 8:40 PM. I drove myself to the hospital (Bill was with me. I just wanted to drive) to have my labor induced because of the steady upward creep of my blood pressure at the end of the pregnancy. When I arrived at the hospital and was hooked up to the monitors, it was obvious that I was already in a regular contraction pattern. Dear Dr. Dalisky just had to break my water to get things moving along. And move along they did. Quickly. I like to have my babies in record time, so less than three hours later, here came Jon. Bruised and battered for sure, but a healthy, strong 8 lb. baby boy. Bill slept with him the entire night, like he did with all of our babies. He accompanied our unnamed baby (Jon didn't have a name for almost 2 days. But that's a story for another day) to be circumcised in the middle of the night. He tirelessly helped me into the shower or into the bathroom while we stayed in the hospital. He had such an ease with babies. Way more than I did. And then we took that baby to our cozy little home on a cold, sunny February morning.
That's a simplified version of how Jon came into our world. How blessed we were to be his parents. He made our little family so happy.
Today was the first time we've celebrated a birthday without Bill. He has never missed a birthday. Not one. It doesn't seem fair that Jon was only able to celebrate 10 birthdays with his Dad. I don't think I remember much about my first 10 birthdays. Maybe not the next 10 either. Will Jon remember? Will he remember his first birthday, the one when Bill stayed up all night with him because he was sick? Or his second birthday when we drove home from Chincoteague with Bill sitting in the backseat of the van holding a bag for Jon to vomit in because he was sick again? Or his 8th birthday which we spent in Danville at the tank museum? 10 is not a very big number and 10 doesn't seem like enough to remember. That makes me sad.
In all reality, this birthday was spent in pretty typical Pennick Family style. Jon got to choose his meals (donuts, Panera Bread, and 5 Guys Burgers), his activities (Lego Store), and his cake (Angel Food with orange/lemon icing). He used the same number candles we've been adorning cakes with for so many years I cannot remember exactly. Jon wore the "Birthday Boy" badge that we've had forever. So many traditions were still celebrated. But we all felt the huge, gaping absence of Bill. It was like everything was flat. No dimension. Just flat. Things sounded strange. The cake and candles were there but they seemed dull and cold. The birthday song was sung but it sounded hollow and out of tune to my ears. It was all the same but so very, very different.
I think we all tried to make this day special for Jon. We tried to keep this birthday as normal as possible, considering how un-normal life is right now. I think we did a great job. I think Jon was happy and content and felt loved. For that, I am grateful. But, selfishly, I want it all back to normal. Only this is normal now.
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